Dessert By Candy

I went to Fashion Crimes on Queen St West last weekend and the store was packed with squealing girls. Well, what do you know, it’s prom season! I still cringe at the memories of my own graduation prom. At the time, I was quite happy with my outfit but now that I think about it, that was really not my best fashion moment. I really appreciate that a friend of mine invited me to be his date (thanks Kelvin!) but I must admit I was a terrible date. I was ill with a bad case of stomache flu and was shivering with cold all evening because of a fever. Gosh, I didn’t even dance with my date (sorry Kelvin)!

Am I glad that I’m not a teenager anymore.

Went to an absolutely magnificent monologue tonight titled Bombshells written by Joanna Murray-Smith and performed by Caroline O’Connor. Ms O’Connor portraited four ordinary women on the verge of a meltdown. My favourite was the bride with coldfeet because it was a chaotic criscross of her panic-stricken internal dialogues and her determination to march through her wedding. It was like watching her wedding unfold and, at the same time, reading her hyperactive thoughts slowly unhinged with regret. It was hilarious.

I want to let you know that I like you very much. I think that it’s lovely to hear these sentiments spoken out loud. I don’t know if you feel the same way about me but that’s okay. Don’t feel obligate to respond if you don’t feel comfortable to. The reason that I decide to tell you is that I’m at a point where I’m perfectly happy to step back and keep things on the harmless flirting level. I would not feel any hurt simply because I do not care enough about you yet.

On the other hand, I want to like you more. I’m scared at the thought of that though because I would run the risk of being disappointed. Besides, despite all the compliments you paid me, I’m not convince that you find me interesting because I truly interest you…perhaps it’s only because I’m different than the people you usually meet. Have you ever feel insecure about yourself in a similiar way?

I’ve been busy for the past month in the most unpleasant sense. There’s been so much happening in my personal life recently that makes me feel quite vulnerable.

I don’t like this feeling.

It is the pain of being hurt by people who matter to me or the fear of being hurt by them. Someone told me that if I cease to care, I will be free from this pain. As tempting as it sounds, I know that is not the route for me because I want to care. I want to live a life surrounded by people whom I care about.

It is the fear of rejection. I know of course that I should overcome this fear or I risk losing a valuable opportunity. It’s just so hard and I’m confused by the different advices I’ven been given. At this point, I am not sure if the possible reward outweights the embarrassment of being rejected. However, judging by my recent behaviour, I will likely make my move and watch the chips fall.

It is the precarious feeling that everything I cherish will vanish without warning. I’m so overwhelmed by the urgency of the moment and I can’t shake away the nagging feeling that I let important things slip by unnoticed. Important things that I can no longer regain.

Argh. I should stop thinking now.

It’s strange how I can be inspired by snippets of lyrics from the most frivolous pop songs. Here is a selection of my recent favourites:

"I don’t believe to love somebody just to past the time" Kylie Minogue: I believe

"I found a new direction and it leads back to me" Kylie Minogue: Spinning Around

"I didn’t lose my mind it was mine to give away" Robbie Williams: No Regrets

"All the tears that you cry will be replaced when you die" Robbie Williams: Road To Mandalay

"You think that I’m strong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong" Robbie Williams: Strong

"I smile with murder on my mind" Pet Shop Boys: Yesterday When I Was Mad

"All the people I was kissing, some are here and some are missing" Pet Shop Boys: Being Boring

Not exactly thought provoking but for some reasons, these lyrics really speak to me. I think now is as good a time as any to admit that I don’t have very good taste in music. In fact, I love catchy pop music.

I haven’t been to a play in ages. Musical, yes. Classical concerts, yes. But a play? If I remember correctly, the last time I went to a play was during my second co-op work term at Waterloo Maple when one of my co-worker invited me to go to the community theatre to watch his friend perform. Hmm, that must be over 7 years ago.

Based on a glowing review on the Toronto Star, I was very much intrigue by the monologue Pochsy Unplugged. The play is the combined work of the three Pochsy plays, written and performed by Ms. Karen Hines. I enjoyed the play very much and I really don’t have much to say that hasn’t been much better expressed by various reviewers before. There were lines from the play that really stood out in my memory though.

Pochsy on having kids: "I’m not lifegiving; I’m breathtaking."

On love: "Everything’s falling apart; everyone’s falling in love"

I love plays that are so darkly hilarious. I found myself laughing hard, at the same time identifying with many of the absurd sentiments and bitter observation of world we live in. It feels good to get back in touch with this side of myself that I haven’t visit for so long.

I had a pleasant surprise today in skating class. I started the session by practising the waltz jump, salchow, and toe loop. My newly sharpened skates felt so much better! I could hold an edge without any effort or worry about skeeding. Riding on such a good feeling, I decided to give the flip jump a try. I started with doing the half flip. It was easy but I could not understand how the motion of a half flip relates to completing a flip jump. Remember how I initially learned the salchow by practising against the boards, I tried the flip jump using the same technique. After a few tries, I began to understand how to toe pick and land on the right leg. It felt like a eureka moment, actually. Before I knew it, I was doing the flip without assistance! Definitely one of my better skating sessions.