Dessert By Candy

Since I found out about the top prize for the office costume contest, I’ve been very keen to win this contest. Truth be told, although I had a pretty good idea that I would reuse my Magenta outfit from Rocky Horror Picture Show and slap on my zombie make-up, it just seemed a little weak. So when friends asked me what strategy I have for winning, I acted all secretive and kept my plans to myself. Luckily, a flash of brilliance came to me yesterday and it brought everything together. My Halloween 2007 theme would be "Little Tea Shop Of Horror".

Last night, I quickly whipped up a batch of vanilla cupcake with matcha white chocolate cream cheese frosting. I recycled the idea of marzipan fingers from my Zombie Cake and made a few dismembered fingers. I also picked up some theatrical blood and a styrofoam skull from the supermarket next door and I was all set. My persona would be a waitress from a tea shop with bruises and cuts all over, carrying a serving tray of teacup, cupcake, fingers, and skull splattered with blood. Obviously, the dismembered fingers were remnents of a customer who didn’t tip me well. Indignant from this slight, I killed this customer but not without a few battle scars of my own. I think it was absolutely fabulous.

I adore the make-up I did for the bruises and cuts. In fact, they looked so real that they freaked out quite a few of my friends and asked if I was okay! The disturbed/concerned looks on their faces were testaments to how horrible those wounds appeared. Time to give myself a pat on the back.

Unfortunately, I did not win the costume contest much to my disappointment. I lost out to Elton John! Not to sound too much like a sore loser (which I am), I think any costumes involving writing out your character’s name on your outfit is a bit…well, you know, overly self-explanatory? Heh. But anyway, as it turned out, the prizes were an iPod Nano Video and an iPod Shuffle, neither of which I could use for my birthday present. So I guess "no loss, no gain" is the phrase of the day.

(I knew I should have brought the rest of those cupcakes to bribe the judges.)

I recently received a somewhat indirect preaching which, from my understanding, accused me of trapping myself in a stalemate of over-analyzing instead of moving forward and be done with it. My first reaction was to take that accusation personally and felt insulted. However, I’ve given the argument some thoughts and have decided that getting all worked up is about as useful as feeling insulted by a cow that ignored me.

Let me elaborate.

Everybody has a their own unique outlook and approach in life. Some people find it helpful to abstract everything into simplistic ideas and concentrate on one thing at a time. It is therefore tempting to conclude people who analyze everything are stuck in the trapping of their own and are slow or fail to act on their decisions. Being a person who likes to analyze, my mind is constantly spinning with different sides of an argument but at the same time, I put my ideas into action. It’s easy to misunderstand that all these arguing back and forth leaves me frozen in a stand still. However, making decisions quickly and sticking with my resolution are also traits of mine. I know what I want in the big picture and this is the basis of which most of my decisions are made. Similar to a lot of goalsetting exercises, smaller goals are simply logical extension of the bigger goals in life. Of course goals are not set in stone. With the changing of time and circumstances, goals change and so do my decisions. That is where flexibility comes in. Does that make me unaware of what reality presents to me? I don’t think so. In fact, this constant analysis helps me to identify things that I can change and things that are out of my grasp.

I think that a person’s approach in life influences the way they see the world. While someone who excels at one thing at a time fail to see the possibility of simultaneously analyzing, making decisions, and putting words into action, I cannot comprehand all the things that a person is missing out when decisions are made on a whim. It is easy to preach about acceptance, flexibility, adapting to changes. But in the end, how many of us don’t end up looking like hypocritical fools? I struggle for years to genuinely accept people for who they are. Although I’ve made improvements, I find that the closer a person is to me, the harder it is to accept. I can easily smile and nod at an acquaintance’s point of view because realisitically, the consequence of his action usually have little effect on me. However, disapproval hurts if it comes from someone I care about.

I do not claim to be wise but these are life lessons which I strive to learn, every single day of my life.

Sometimes, I can’t believe how gullible I am when it comes to shopping. I saw these Hello Kitty screen protector in Market Village and bought it against my better judgement. Despite its sleek black exterior, my phone is now a little more girly in a stealthy sort of way. This screen protector is reflective when the screen is not lit or if you’re viewing from an angle so people can’t see what I’m texting or browsing! However, if the backlit is on, it turns transparent and I have no problem viewing my screen. This is almost like magic!

I feel a little less grown up now everytime I look at my phone…perhaps I should have a matching wallpaper too just to rub it in. I think my sensibility is slowly spiralling out of control.

I sworn off from store-bought granola years ago when I started reading food labels on a regular basis. I do not like the fact that most commercial products contain coconut oil or palm oil. However, granola remains one of my favourite cereal. These two variations of homemade granola are made with tons of healthy goodness including flax seed, sunflower seed, pumpkin seed, and almond. As an added bonus, my whole house smells great! Watch the granola carefully close to the end of baking if you prefer them more toasted. They burn easily, especially the bottom! I unwisely set off the smoke detector at my house at 2am once…needless to say, things got rather messy!

Ingredients

• 6 cups of old-fashion rolled oats
• 2 cups of sliced almond
• 1 cup of raw pumpkin seed
• 1/2 cup of raw sunflower seed
• 1/4 cup of flaxseed meal
• 1 tsp salt

Maple Granola variation

• 3/4 cup canola oil
• 3/4 cup medium grade maple syrup
• 1 tsp maple extract (optional)

Apple Cinnamon variation

• 1/2 cup canola oil
• 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
• 1/2 cup honey
• 1 tbsp ground cinnamon
• 1 cup chopped dried apple

Method

1. Preheat oven to 350F. Line two half sheet pans with parchment paper.
2. Mix rolled oats, almond, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, flaxseed meal, and salt (optionally cinnamon too) in a large mixing bowl.
3. Mix wet ingredients in a small mixing bowl and toss with the dry ingredients until moistened.
4. Divide the mixture between the two pans and bake for 30min until golden. Rotate the pans half way through to ensure even baking.
5. For chunkier texture, leave the granola to cool completely in pan. Toss with chopped apples if using. Store in airtight container for up to a week.

My dad gave me a very thoughtful birthday present this year but unfortunately, it is only compatible with the iPod Nano G2. I’m not big on following the latest and greatest electronic gadgets so the only iPod I own is an ancient iPod Mini. Now, with the release of the new iPod Nano with video capability, it doesn’t make much sense for me to purchase an old model either. My gift has been sitting around on the shelf since I received it.

Not so fast! I received some exciting news last week that may change the fate of my gift. My office is hosting a Halloween party. Rumour has it that the top prizes for the best costume and best carved pumpkin will be an iPod. Normally I’m really not keen on these kind of social events but with this new incentive, I have my eye set on the prizes. I think between the myriad costume choices I have in my wardrobe and my newly purchased stage makeup, I stand a pretty good chance for contending that top prize. Keep your eyes out for pictures next week!

Like most people who’s been shown the door, I hope from time to time that he would one day call me up and ask for reconciliation.

I know this is only wishful thinking.

Regardless of his reasons for break up in the first place, he had his reasons. Every decision is driven by a motive, even if that motive is merely a whim. There are many things in life which require experimentation and the courage to take a risk. However, there are also many things that one does not "try it on for size" and breaking up is definitely one of those. Sure it really sucks to be on the receiving end but it is a fact that I cannot deny. It is pointless to speculate the reasons because in his world, he treated me as merely one of his many throw away prototypes.

I cannot change other people’s action but I have the power over how I want to live. This break up really is a blessing in disguise. I deserve to be with a person who appreciates my strengths. A successful relationship is not about finding my twin. Rather, it is the partnership of two people who complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Those who belittle my strengths to justify their own action do not deserve my time or emotion.

I admit that this may not be a very wise thing to do but when a relationship ends, it’s hard not to think about the good versus the bad. On one hand, I hope that the good memories outweigh the bad and that it had been a good experience overall. On the other hand, if the tally comes out to be positive, isn’t it even more sad that it ended? That’s the question I’ve been pondering in the last few days.

In the last month, my mind was occupied by disappointment, sadness, anger, and a self-imposed rule of not looking back. I know all along that I can truly move on when he no longer matters to me. However, during this period of adjustment, turning him into an antagonist in my life would do just as well. For this reason alone, I did not give much thought to all the good times we shared. Besides, reminiscences would only make me more sad anyway and that’s the last thing I need.

However, now that I have moved past much of the bitterness, I can finally revisit some of those memories. Although remembering numbers and dates comes to me naturally, I made a conscious decision to forget all those numbers when we first went out. I dared not risk to be disappointed because I already knew that I was dealing with a person who forgets everything. What I thought was an act of acceptance is actually the beginning of the end. It was the first of countless times when I lowered my expectation to avoid disappointment. It only seems appropriate enough that the relationship was concluded by broken promises and his refusal to stand by me at my time of need. "Foreshadowing" is the word.

Oh wait, there goes my negativity again, isn’t it? As I was saying, I’m trying to savour the good things about that relationship. What I remember are vivid memories of our conversations, how my heart pounded with excitement the first time we held hands, the string of events leading up to a first kiss, weekend getaways, traveling to races, wandering along the streets of Toronto and Montreal, sitting on the floor of a hotel room munching on chips after a grueling race, lying by the dying embers of a campfire looking at the stars, and my friends’ warm wishes when they found out we were an item. I really did have a great time and I remember those well.

In fact, there wasn’t any fights or bickering. I think that was actually the downfall. Instead of fighting and figuring out compromises like most couples do, any bumps on the road inevitably led to break up. It gave me the distinct impression that I was only good enough for him if I stayed on my best behaviour at all times. Anything less, it was dumpsville for me. I asked him to take me back once and it did work out for a while. However, it just does not make sense to beg for a second time. I cannot open my heart to a person who is ready to leave me at the drop of a hat.

Although sensibility ruled when I got my sleek black phone, I have since added another electronic gadget to my pink family. This time it is a cute little Nintendo DS Lite! Granted, it’s not exactly the latest nor the greatest toy. However, I always like this console and I enjoy the kiddy-ish games that Nintendo has for its target market. I can’t wait to go and get some new games!

Since competition season is now over (well, and that pink elephant named Break Up), I suddenly have lots of free time on weekends. After I picked up some supplies at Malabar early morning, I took my time to do some shopping in the Queen West neighbourhood. As much as I like some of the new sillouettes of this season, I have to pick and choose my trend of choice carefully. For example, I simply adore the high-waisted pencil skirts. Unfortunately, they just don’t work for me and my short waist…too bad.

The 3/4 length sleeves of winter coats are also quite lovely but since I already bought a really cute autumn coat from London, I’m not tempted by the offerings. What really caught my eye though was a very classic duffle wool coat from Aritzia. The cut is flattering with the waist subtly taken in for a slimmer look. The inside of the coat is a complementary plaid pattern which you can see in the hood. However, at $295, I would have like something made with 100% wool and fully lined. I’m still quite undecided. It’s not like I really need a new coat after all. Heh.

On a less frivolous side, I bought a pair of Sugoi SubZero arm warmers for skating. I’m a fan of the apparel from Sugoi because they are practical, flattering, and made in Canada. I’ve been on the lookout for a new pair of arm warmers because my old pair of Louis Garneau simply wouldn’t stay put. The SubZero material is quite heavy duty so it should be good for cold weather workouts. I can’t wait to use them!

(I do have a lot more whining to do but I figure it’s about time I turn my attention to something a bit more lighthearted. If pink and fashion are not lighthearted enough, what is? Right?)

For a brief moment, I considered writing him a note of apology. However, the more I think about it, the more redundant it seems. Sure I could have been more cordial and keep my thoughts to myself but I truly am not sorry for my actions.

Apology is a means to ask for forgiveness. Do I want his forgiveness? I really don’t think so. Apology is also useful as a peace offering. I do not feel the need to make peace either.

Some people apologize in order to alleviate their own guilt. Am I feeling any guilt? No, not really. In most cases, apologies are quite meaningless anyway. "I am sorry" does not carry any weight unless a person sincerely feels what he/she is sorry for and have an action plan to do things differently. That’s when an apology actually means something. Forgiveness cannot be earned by uttering three little words.

Alright, I am not apologetic after all.

I was cleaning up some of the old correspondences last night and I came across something that I wrote to him not too long ago. "I have a lot of fun on my own but it is more fun to share it with you". This statement pretty much summed up the positive side of that relationship. I think it is a good thing because that means it was not a complete waste of time (that would be just sad). It is now time to put my focus back on all the fun things that I do and all the amazing places that I explore. Enriching my life is one of the biggest investment that I can make. Unlike a relationship, I can only gain on this kind of investment.

I was talking things out to SL today because in the last few days, I really miss EG and that bothers me. I think these are simply leftover feelings and part of the obstacles on my road to recover. One of the things that I firmly believe in since the break up is that he chose to call things off and he chose to avoid me when I tried to speak to him. This perspective is likely skewed but it helps me to hold tight to my resolution of not crawling back to beg him to take me back.

I take break ups very seriously. In fact, the second he blurted out those words, my attitude turned from genuine to defensive. He becomes a person who causes me pain and must be removed from my life entirely until I get well. I feel the need to burn all my bridges so much so that I asked him to promise me that he would never be romantically involve with me ever again. Since then, I go out of my way to show my displeasure of his very presence when we inevitably meet. I believe that I can only get well if I no longer feel any affection for him.

However, at the same time, I do miss him and I just want everything to be alright. Logic tells me that little voice does not help me to recover though. Instead, I convinced myself that this is an opportunity to escape from a relationship which is doomed to fail. Besides, the only person who can undo a break up is the one who suggests the break up in the first place. The fact that he has not reach out to me is proof enough that he truly wants to leave.

After listening to my thoughts, SL said to me "Your break up is a result of misunderstanding followed by miscommunication." That relationship was not as doom and gloom as I have myself believe it to be. The events leading up to the break up put EG in the unenviable position to initiate. And since then, I have been behaving in such a way to prevent any possible reconciliation.

I think SL’s analysis is a fair assessment of the whole situation. However, "fair" does not make me feel better, only time will. I want to get well and I want to get well fast.