So Tired Of It All
I really don’t know what to do. I feel as if there’s a huge weight on my chest, so heavy that I can’t breath. I am very certain that I do not want to be romantically involved with him (and to be involved with him at all was a mistake). However, having him at the outskirt of my life remains a test of my toughness every day. I cannot yet wrap my head around the idea that there is something so nasty about my personality that made him drop me like a hot potato within the span of one weekend. I really hoped that was not true but when confronted, he only evaded and offered not even a hint of denying. How can I not be convinced I really do disgust him so much?
I am scared that I am really such a horrible person and the only reason my friends have not abandoned me is because they have not yet find out about this other side of me. This has been a fear of mine for as long as I can remember. When he rejected me for, essentially, the core make up of who I am, my worst nightmare came true.
I wake up every morning and pep talk myself into a more cheerful person. I try my best to look at the world around me in a more positive light but I am not sure anymore that I am not fighting a losing battle. I try hard to give as much of myself as I can to my friends and family. Yet the fear that they will find out what a phony I am is looming ever so near. It has already happened once with EG so who’s to say if he’s with the majority or not? I certainly don’t have that unwavering belief in myself right now to say his decision was the exception.
